What to Do When a Handsome Knight Asks You to Bed
by Squilf
Summary: Lusting over a certain charming knight? Then look no further! This handbook is the definitive guide to pursuing, obtaining and enjoying your quarry. Merlin/Gwaine comedy spin-off to 'Twas the Knight Before Yuletide.
1. Step 1: Awaken His Attention

**Step 1: ****Awaken His Attention**

_Inducing a handsome knight to ask you to bed requires skill and patience, and a sufficient amount of sheer dedication. However, if said knight is exceedingly handsome, it should not be that difficult to summon such determination. Besides, pursuing your quarry is half the fun._

The first and most important step in coaxing a handsome knight to ask you to spend the night with him is dedicating an ample amount of time rousing his interest in you. This must be done subtly (i.e. greeting him with a lick to the face is too forward, even for drunken rascals), but in such a way that he is left with no doubt as to your intentions (i.e. silently lusting over him is not forward enough, especially if dropping hints so heavily it's like throwing a brick at his head still doesn't work on the dozy fool). Therefore, you must successfully perform a balancing act, exhibiting enough provocative behaviour to stir his curiosity whilst not promising him anything.

There are several ways in which you can do this. Here are the ones which seem to be the most effective:

1. Being the best/only friend he's got

_NB. This isn't that hard; the drunken idiot's making enemies all the time, and it is easier to be besties with someone who saves your life about seventy times (excepting arrogant princesses who just push you around no matter how many times you save their sorry hide)._

2. Having pretty eyes

3. Pulling adorable faces

_NB. If you are not pretty o__r adorable, don't worry about 2 and 3. Just get him drunk and he'll think you are anyway._

4. Tucking him into bed

_NB. This is after you've got him drunk._

5. Looking at him like he's naked and you want it

_NB. This also shouldn't be too hard. If he's gorgeous enough it'll happen completely subconsciously._

6. Polishing a sword in a suggestive position when he's training

_NB. See 5._

7. Bruising yourself by falling over a chair so he can kiss it better

8. Kissing him better when he suffers an injury (i.e. pricking his finger on a needle, the girl)

9. Making him jealous by going to see sixty-year-old healers

10. Having your horse throw his shoe so you have to share his horse with him

11. Staying up so late he actually has to make you get some sleep by grabbing you and telling you to come to bed

12. Making a bunch of mistletoe in front of him to start off a few ideas in his head

13. Getting upset in the middle of the night so he has to comfort you by cuddling you in your bed

**WARNING: Under NO circumstances may you kiss your employer whilst your handsome knight is secretly watching you. This can have SERIOUS repercussions and seriously, if not irrevocably, damage your hard work.**


	2. Step 2: Ascertain His Attraction

**Step 2: ****Ascertain His Attraction**

_Unlike step 1, where you must be proactive and take every opportunity to act, step 2 entails patience and passivity. __You must be observant, taking the time to watch your handsome knight carefully (which you're probably doing to the dashing man anyway, seeing as you've got to be a bit obsessed with him by now). _

After completing step 1, it is time to evaluate your efforts thus far in order to discover if your amorous antics have yielded any results, and determine if indeed your handsome knight is interested in asking you to bed. Proceeding any further in this venture depends wholly on the success of step 1. You must watch your quarry for symptoms of lovesickness/sheer burning lust directed towards you.

Symptoms may include:

1. Telling you that you're the only friend he's got

_NB. Preferably when you're alone, like at night-time in a __quiet woods somewhere, like, say, the Perilous Lands._

2. Falling on top of you

3. Telling you that you have pretty eyes

4. Telling you that you pull adorable faces

5. Pulling you closer when you tuck him into bed

_NB. If you got him drunk, you should have no problem with making 2, 3, 4 and 5 happen._

6. Flicking his hair/showing off/generally being provocative whilst training when he knows you're watching

7. Kissing you better when you fall over a chair

_NB. He may laugh at the fact that you fell over a chair first._

8. Asking you to kiss him better when he suffers an injury

9. Hugging you in a stable

10. Getting jealous when you go to see sixty-year-old healers

11. Asking you to share his horse with him when ours throws his shoe and you're quite happy just to walk

12. Grabbing you and telling you to come to bed when you stay up late

13. Making suggestive comments when you are making a bunch of mistletoe in front of him

14. Comforting you when you are upset in the middle of the night by cuddling you in his bed

**WARNING: IF, and ONLY if, your handsome knight shows ****a range of these symptoms may you proceed to step 3. Advancing any further when he isn't interested will be at best embarrassing, and at worse, dangerous. He does have an impressively big sword after all. (Which you should know, if you've been polishing it.)**


	3. Step 3: Activate His Appetite

**Step 3: Activate His Appetite**

_Whilst steps 1 and 2 have required vast quantities of tact, talent and taste (all of which you doubtless possess), step 3 is far less demanding of those qualities. It's probably just as well; being irresistibly alluring _every_ day of the week really takes it out of a guy._

Now that you are secure in the knowledge that your handsome knight is a fool for you, you can finally do what you've obviously been dying to do for the past few weeks/ever since you laid eyes on him/your entire goddamn life. Poise and finesse are not really required here, mostly because by now your handsome knight so blatantly wants you that all he needs is one look before he's _on_ you. This is a very pleasurable situation to be in (but trust me, what comes later is _so much_ better).

There is no right or wrong way to finally confirm your romantic interest in your handsome knight, but here are some recommendations:

1. Be alone.

It's going to be so embarrassing if your gruff old mentor/kind of slaggy friend/employer who you used to fancy/friend who's obsessed with decorations turns up when you've got your hands full (so to speak), so try to find a secluded spot, like a quiet, narrow street far away from everyone else, or a soundproofed basement.

2. Be prepared.

Whilst it's fine to let him take the lead, you really ought to know what that's leading to. It's not exactly sexy if you stop halfway through to ask him what the hell he's doing to you. If you are an innocent, this may be difficult knowledge to discover. Try talking to the sluttiest friend you've got; chances are she'll know everything there is to know (and then some).

_NB. For all manservants without this pool of information, full instructions and diagrams can be found in the appendix._

3. Be careful.

After all the frustration of waiting, there's bound to be masses of pent-up energy and aggression just dying to break out. So try to be gentle with him. Safety precautions must be taken into consideration. He is a knight after all; he needs to use his (gorgeously sculpted) body. Clear any tables and chairs to one side of the room to avoid any falls, and have some paracetemol to hand for any aches in the morning.

4. Be drunk.

A little alcohol never hurt anyone. Well, apart from you, when an inebriated knight fell on top of you, but don't pretend you didn't enjoy it. Losing your inhibitions can be instrumental in winning his heart (or at least a drunken fumble in a back alley). Go somewhere where ale is readily available, like a tavern, or a party.

_NB. Caution must be taken regarding the measure of alcohol. An overdose will result in your getting the handsome knight into bed – in a drunken stupor._

**WARNING: At this point, handsome knights have been known to display symptoms of disinterest in you, including avoidance, announcement of future absences, or deliberate bluntness. Whilst this is disheartening, do not lose faith. You have successfully completed step 2. Now is the time to act.**


	4. Afterword

**Afterword**

_It would seem that congratulations are in order! You have defeated the challenges presented by a prattish princess, a slightly OCD mother hen, a flirtatious barwoman (well, a man can't help being devilishly good-looking, even though it can be tiring), an angry old man, and the surprisingly fiddly buckles on a certain handsome knight's belt._

It is here that this book ends; you are now fully informed on What to Do When a Handsome Knight Asks You to Bed. Use this knowledge wisely. You never know when you might need it. (This author confesses that it has come in handy on a number of occasions, but that's another story.) There is no further advice to be given; what comes next (not in _that_ way) is of your choosing. However, you may wish to consider these options as possibilities for your future:

1. Helping him move out.

Living with your gruff mentor who's practically a father to you and the woman he's been engaged to for about two decades is going to be awkward, especially once they get round to having that wedding. Adding a handsome knight who's seriously into you (in more ways than one) is just going to be too embarrassing for words. Get a group of friends together to help your handsome knight move out.

_NB. Keep a close eye on any big, heavy-handed friends who are liable to obliterate all in their path. You're trying to _build_ a home, not _destroy_ one._

2. Moving in with him.

This might be a big step, but hey, you've already taken three of those already. Think about it – what could be better than having a handsome knight all to yourself? Apart from possibly two – but let's not get ahead of ourselves. (Though, if that does so happen to interest you, further information can be found in the versatile book, _The Encyclopaedic Guide to General Sluttishness by Guinn E Veer_, which draws upon the author's substantial experience and knowledge.) Besides, a handsome knight needs someone to take care of him, and make sure he doesn't oversleep/fall victim to a boring noblewoman/end up unconscious on the roadside. (The latter is much more likely to occur.)

_NB. This may require a copious amount of hint-dropping._

**WARNING: Side effects of your conquest may include: **

**1. Soreness **

_**NB. Remember that paracetemol.**_

**2. Lurid comments from your friends **

_**NB. Especially the slaggy one.**_

**3. Looks of **_**knowing**_** from your father figure that are quite frankly unsettling**

**4. Being flirted with outrageously in public**

**5. Falling in love**

_**NB. I'm sorry about this, but this is unavoidable.**_


End file.
